[Applause]
[Woman] Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce
a legend in our industry.
She's the most successful president in the history of our network
and for the past five years has kept us at the very top of the ratings.
She's our maverick, our wild card,
and today she's going to take us right to the edge.
Please welcome a giant, a genius,
and the hardest-working person in television,
- Joanna Eberhart! - [Cheering, applause]
Thank you all so much!
Thank you!
- [Crowd] Joanna! - That feels good.
Especially coming from such a fantastic group of people
from all across our great nation, our network affiliates.
Give yourselves a great big hand.
You deserve it!
I want a big, fat Christmas bonus!
Just kidding. But not really, because...
I am so excited, I am so on fire,
I am so guts-and-glory passionate about what I am about to show you.
So get ready, because on Monday nights,
the whole world will be watching a man, a woman, and a buzzer.
[Applause]
Are you ready for the final gender challenge?
- Who makes more money? - I do.
Who enters Ironman triathlons every year and wins?
I do.
Who wishes they were married to a sexy lesbian?
- I do. - I do.
It's Tara!
And...
on Thursdays...
No, this is not just a TV show.
No, this is a breakthrough, breakout, break-all-the-rules,
bring-on-the-Emmys mega-smash!
- [Cheers] - Yes!
Can I present to you this planet's ultimate reality phenomenon?
I Can Do Better.
[Applause]
[Joanna] We will be right there as happily married couples
are flown first class to a tropical island paradise,
where they will be completely surrounded by professional prostitutes.
And at the end of the week... Well, let's take a peek.
It's been a week and Hank, our personnel manager from Omaha,
has spent the entire seven days with Vanessa,
our call girl and exotic dancer.
Yeah, it's been amazing.
And I'll admit we've had some fun in the hot tub, and all.
But do you want to know something? All we did was talk.
Because I love my wife.
And the only place I want to be is back in Omaha with my Barbara.
Tough break, Nessa.
Barbara, you spent Monday with Rocky, our body-builder and male escort,
Tuesday through Thursday with the entire cast of the Triple X film Hung Jury,
and you spent the entire weekend with Tonkiro.
Now it's time for the final decision. Barbara, it's yours to make.
Is it gonna be Omaha?
Or Omahunks?
Well...
Before I came on this show, I only had sex with one man,
and that was usually Hank.
I love Hank deeply and forever with all my heart,
and I would never do anything to hurt him.
But I can do better!
[Cheering]
The battle of the sexes! As old as time but as current...
[Hank] Why?
Uh, excuse me?
Why did you do it?
Oh, my God! It's Hank from I Can Do Better.
Hank, everyone!
No, stop it!
I love Barbara. I had a family. I had a life.
Hank, I know it hurts.
Love isn't easy.
Relationships aren't easy, not for anyone.
But now you know the truth about Barbara.
You are gonna move on with your life and you're gonna meet someone wonderful,
and America is gonna love you.
- [Woman] Yes. - [Cheering, applause]
[Woman] Whoo!
Yeah. I got a great idea for another hot new show.
- [Joanna] Tell it to us. - It's called...
- Let's Kill All The Women. - [Woman] He's got a gun!
Oh, my God!
- [Screaming] - [Shattering]
- Oh. - Joanna, are you all right?
I am great, raring to go. The police were sensational.
- And not a scratch. [chuckles] - You haven't heard.
About what?
- That man Hank. - [Sighs]
Right before he tried to kill you, he went to see his ex-wife
and five of her new boyfriends.
- He did? - He shot all of them.
The wife is in critical condition and four guys are on life-support.
- Tonkiro? - He's fine.
- Thank God. - So you know what this means.
Of course.
We pay for their medical treatment, every penny,
we get them the very best therapists, childcare, rehab, whatever they need.
We fly them to New York, first class, for a primetime special:
Hank and Barbara: Let The Healing Begin.
You're not listening. We can't wear this.
The lawsuits alone may bankrupt the network.
All your new shows, the whole line-up, the affiliates won't touch them.
We have shareholders.
We can't let you sink the network.
But we wish you only the best.
Of course.
Thank you for being so classy and taking this so well.
Joanna, we just wanted to say that this is so not fair.
[Elevator rings]
Good-bye, everybody!
All the best!
[Screams]
- [Rainfall] - [Ambulance sirens]
- Jo. - Hmm?
Ah, Walter.
- What happened? - Well...
- You had a complete nervous collapse. - Oh.
The doctors say there's a lot of work to do, but you're going to be just fine.
And Pete made this for you.
- That's so sweet. - Isn't it?
And I wanted you to know that, the minute I heard the news,
I called the network and I quit.
- You did that for me? - Of course.
I know I was only a vice president,
but I could never work for those people.
Not after the way they treated you.
- Walter. - Do you remember what today is?
It's our anniversary.
Oh, Walter.
I'm so sorry.
Maybe that man who tried to shoot me, maybe he was right.
Maybe I've become the wrong kind of woman.
Maybe I've made all of the wrong decisions.
Could we get away and start over?
And get it right, our marriage?
- But why are we moving? - To Connecticut?
We're moving so we can all kick back
and have a great new life in this beautiful new town.
[Birds chirping]
- Name? - Kresby.
- Welcome to Stepford. - Thanks.
- What do you think, guys? - Good.
Honey?
Hello, everyone. I'm Mrs. Wellington.
Welcome to Stepford.
I'm with Stepford Realty. We spoke on the phone.
- You must be Walter. - So nice to meet you in person.
And the little ones. I bet you're Pete.
- Duh. - Pete.
- He's every bit as handsome as his dad. - Thank you.
Kimberly! Aren't you just the cutest little bug's ear?
Bugs don't have ears.
Isn't she sassy? And a little sad.
And this must be Joanna.
- Electro-shock? - But she's doing great.
Hello, little Energizer.
The minute Walter called, I knew this was the perfect house for you.
It's the top of the line, here at Stepford Estates,
and it's got everything an American family could ever need.
- And may I present to you... - [Kimberly] Look at this!
- This is amazing! - The Great Room.
I call it cozy.
And it's also a smart house.
Now this controls the security system.
- [Computer] All secure. - It talks to the refrigerator.
[Computer] We need juice.
The system also monitors all the commodes,
where it will test your urine for blood sugar, protein and body fat.
- [Computer] Flush toilets. - [Toilets flushing]
Isn't that great, kids?
- I'm gonna go check my room! - Me, too!
- Now, Walter, will you be commuting? - No.
No. Joanna and I both left the network.
- [Barking] - [Mrs. Wellington] Look, the puppy.
Robo Rover 3000. Come on, boy, come on!
Come on, come on!
- [Laughing] - [Barking]
- [Crickets chirping] - [Frogs croaking]
[Birds chirping]
The town is over 200 years old.
It was founded by George Washington and Martha just loved it.
Stepford is Connecticut's family paradise.
It has no crime, no poverty and no pushing.
What is that? Up on the hill?
That's our Stepford Men's Association,
where all our wonderful guys can get together and stay out of our hair.
Am I right?
- Where do the women go? - To the Simply Stepford Day Spa.
Good morning, ladies.
[All] Good morning, Claire.
I would like you all to welcome our newest citizen to Stepford.
- Joanna. - [All] Good morning, Joanna.
- Are we ready to work out? - [All] Oh, yes!
Places and poles, please.
Wait. You work out dressed like this?
Well, of course.
Whatever we do, we always want to look our very best.
I mean, why imagine if our husbands saw us
in worn, dark, urban sweat clothes,
with stringy hair and almost no make-up.
[Woman] Oh, good heavens.
Now, today you are in for a special treat.
Because we are working on a series of exercises which I personally invented,
based on simple, household tasks.
I call my program Claireobics.
Because her name is Claire.
All right, now it's time to slim and scrub.
- [Music begins] - Let's all be washing machines.
And...
# Chuga, chuga, chuga Chuga, chuga, chuga
Come on, Joanna!
Spin cycle, ladies. And... whoosh!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Who's the man? - You the man. You the man.
- [Man] Walter? - [Man #2] How're you?
- Walter Kresby. - Good to see you.
I'm Stan Peters. Come in. Mike said you were coming...
[indistinct chatter]
[Man] Hear ye, hear ye! Come one, come all.
And happy Fourth of July.
At 1:30 will be the children's Stars and Stripes face-painting...
Isn't this great?
A real, old-fashioned town picnic. You can't get this in Manhattan.
Which is why we'll stay 10 minutes,
make an appearance and get out of here.
Kids, I'm really sorry about this, but let's try and have fun.
- Mom, it's a picnic. - Chill.
Go ahead, have fun.
- Ten minutes? - Walter, you just don't get it.
These women are deranged, flight attendant-friendly.
- They'll be all over me. - [Woman] Joanna!
Here we go.
- Hi, Joanna... - Hi.
- Hi, Walter. - Hi.
- You look great. - I love you in khakis.
They're new. A little experiment.
Now I know why they call it Banana Republic.
[All giggling]
[Woman] Excuse me! Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Am I the only one who finds all of this disturbing?
We're celebrating our nation's birthday. But there are no African Americans,
no Native Americans, no Asian Americans...
Oh, my God! Hey.
You're Joanna Eberhart. You got such a raw deal.
Aren't you Bobbie Markowitz? I love your books.
Especially the last one, about your relationship with your mother.
- I Love You, But Please Die. - [Man] Hey, baby.
Baby, look what I did. Look.
[Whistles]
Happy Fourth of July, everybody.
- Excuse me. Is this guy bothering you? - Yes, he's my husband.
- Hey, Kresbo-man. - Hey, Dave.
- How do you know each other? - Men's Association.
That place.
- Finish the laundry? - I finished a chapter.
- Did you make sandwiches? - Did you?
- Where are the kids? - What kids?
- Are you two OK? - [Both] We're fine.
- Come on, I need a cookie. - See what I mean?
Jerry, it's a bake sale. An actual bake sale.
It's like some sort of heavenly diorama at the Smithsonian,
in the Hall of Homemakers.
Oh, no. Stop it.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
- That is not cobbler! - Roger...
Could we reel it in a couple of hundred yards?
How do you keep your figures?
Is there a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere? But worth it?
- Roger? - I'm sorry.
- That is... - It's fabulous.
- Jerry thinks that I overdo everything. - [Joanna] Excuse me.
- Aren't you Roger Bannister? - The amazing architect, from The Times?
- Thank you. This is Jerry Harmon. - Corporate attorney.
- But he's getting the help he needs. - Stop it.
- We're new. - Oh, my God. Joanna Eberhart.
- I love the shows. - Thank you.
And Bobbie Markowitz. Love the books.
How did this happen? Where did you come from?
I mean, right here in Stepford: People!
Attention! Fourth of July funsters!
Grab your partners,
cos it's time for some sizzling Stepford square dancing! So come on in!
- A square dance? - Cowgirls?
- We're in hell. - Yeah.
- Come on, Bobbie. - Oh, Dave...
[fiddles playing]
- Howdy! - [All] Howdy!
Is everyone ready to kick up your heels
for some barn-bustin' Stepford high steppin'?
[All] Yeah!
OK. Bow to your partners, lose your cares
Stepford stallions love their mares
Alamen left, alamen right
Rope that filly, she won't bite
All join hands and circle sweet
Please your cowboy with your feet
[hooting, hollering]
[Man] Ya-hoo!
- Nice shirt, Stan! - Thanks.
- Ya-hoo! - [Man] Yee-haw!
Yippee-ky-ay.
Yippee-ky-ay, yippee-ky-ay.
- Yippee-ky-ay. - Honey...
- Calm down, baby. - Yippee-ky-ay.
Do-si-do, do-si-do.
- Back up, guys. - Do-si-do, do-si-do.
[Heavy thud]
- Jesus! - Do-si-do, do-si-do.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
- [Man] It's OK. - Excuse me!
Right, OK. Don't try to move her, make sure her windpipe is clear...
- She's drunk. - She's blonde.
- [Walter] You're not a doctor. - [Joanna] I can take care of this.
- I ran a network. - [Walter] Somebody call 911?
[Man] Mike's here.
- Mike! - Do-si-do, do-si-do.
- [Walter] Mike. - It's OK. I'm here.
Walt, the missus.
- Jo. - The missus?
Walter, what is your problem?
I'm... Hey!
[Joanna] Uh, excuse...
[Joana stammering]
- [Electrical charge] - What was that?
Herb, Dave, give me a hand and get Sarah right into my Hummer.
- Your Hummer? - [Dave] It's a sweet ride.
- It's roomy. - We need an ambulance.
You shouldn't be moving her. She might need oxygen, paramedics...
- Everything isn't always about you. - Walter.
She'll be fine. It's too much sun, she's dehydrated.
Dehydrated? Are you crazy?
- Jo! Sorry about this, Mike. - Joanna...
This is a very special moment. I would like you to meet...
- Mike Wellington. - My husband.
- Oh. - You must be the famous Joanna.
You're even prettier than in the newspapers.
That woman is very sick. I should be going with her.
She'll get all the help she needs. Trust me, little lady.
That woman had a seizure and she was practically levitating.
I have told you five million times, I phoned Herb.
He said that Sarah is fine, she just needed some fluids, like Mike said.
- She was sparking. - She was dancing.
Why wasn't there a doctor?
- And why... - The kids.
Oh!
Why?
Walter. Walter.
Why did everyone automatically listen to that Mike person?
Why was everyone standing there?
You mean, why weren't they listening to you?
- That's not what I'm saying! - Jesus Christ, Joanna.
- What? - You were fired.
Your kids barely know you and our marriage is falling apart.
Your attitude makes people want to kill you.
It makes people try to kill you. That's what we're doing here.
The people in this town have been nothing but friendly
and welcoming and wonderful to you.
And you've been nothing but snide and suspicious.
And at the picnic, you humiliated me. Well, I can't do it anymore.
I can't keep fighting you for every inch of everything.
Game over. Marriage over.
No!
- No! - No, what?
- Please don't go. - Why not?
Because you're right.
Wait, I'm sorry. I don't think I heard that. What did you just say?
- I said, "You're right." - About?
About everything.
Oh. About me.
You know why I signed on at the network?
Cos I thought that if I was around, I could help you lighten up.
- You did? - Yeah, I did.
What was that one show called? I Can Do Everybody.
See, that's what I mean. I wanted to make you laugh.
That's so sweet, but I...
I was busy, I was running a network, Walter.
You were so busy that we haven't made love in over a year.
- I know. - Well, I miss you.
But I've always loved you so much, I...
You know that.
Why?
Because. Because...
you're goofy and you're...
you're handsome and you're...
You're my Walter.
And because when you play computer chess,
you do that little... victory dance.
- I do not. - [Chuckling] Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
Mm-hmm.
If I'm not the smartest, and the best of the best,
and the most successful, then I don't know, who am I?
Do you want to find out?
How?
First of all, we're in the country now, so no more black.
- No more black? Are you insane? - You heard me.
Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating Manhattan career bitches wear black.
Is that what you want to be?
Ever since I was a little girl.
Do I really look OK?
Can I be honest?
- You look kinda like Betty Crocker. - I know.
- At Betty Ford. - [Computer] We need milk.
Thank you. I'm trying to make an effort to change.
Last night, my husband was a different person.
He was strong, he was forceful.
- He was commanding. - Like your refrigerator.
Nobody said it was going to be easy,
being a homemaker and a stay-at-home mom.
It's the toughest job in the world, right?
That may be, but these Stepford women, they're a whole other dimension.
Like yesterday. That poor lady, Sarah Sunderson.
Walter said she's fine.
You said she shot off sparks from her ears.
- That's the first sign. - Of what?
Cheap jewellery.
- We should go see her. - Why?
Because we need to be supportive.
That's how people behave outside of Manhattan. They care about each other.
In New York, if one of your neighbours got sick, what would you do?
- Call her. - To see if she'd die.
- So we could get the apartment. - Let's go.
Up! Up! Up!
[Knocking]
Sarah?
Yoo-hoo.
- Is she in there? - Roger!
- It's open. - That's amazing.
- That's so sweet. - And so trusting.
- Roger. - Look at this place.
Sarah? Sarah?
[Sarah moaning] Oh, Herb!
Roger!
[Sarah] Oh, Herb!
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
- Make me beg! - [Herb] Yeah!
[Sarah] I'm so lucky!
- Oh, my God! - Is that a DVD?
No, it's them.
[Sarah] Oh! Oh! Oh!
You're the king!
Yes!
[High-pitched screaming]
Oh!
I'm going up there.
- Why? - I want some.
Roger!
- [Chuckling] - Sssh.
- [Herb] Baby, grab me some nachos. - [Sarah] Yes, dear.
[Joanna] We should get out of here!
What's this?
- Roger, put it down. - What? Oh, come on.
[Roger] Why does it say "Sarah"?
Put it down.
Let's get out of here. This is not right.
- Roger, come on. - [Bobbie] For God's sake!
- We're trespassing! - [Joanna] We have to get out of here.
- OK, it's totally useless. - Come on, we have to go!
[Loud thud]
- Oh, my God. - Hurry, hurry, hurry.
[All laughing]
[Bobbie] I can't believe we did that.
I'm so embarrassed.
- I'm mortified. I'm famished. - [Gasps]
- [Joanna] Bobbie! - Yeah?
Are you making anthrax?
Excuse me? I've been busy. My new book.
But can't you hire someone to clean? Someone brave?
Dave says I gotta do it myself, like Sarah Sunderson.
- Could you believe her? - Darling, her home is spotless.
And she's having incredible sex in the middle of the day with her husband.
I'm sorry, but my shrink says I need creative chaos.
My therapist says I need boundaries.
My doctor said I need enough electricity to jump-start Vegas.
- Have you ever done Zoloft? - Kid's stuff.
Xanax. I worship Xanax. I'm old-fashioned.
I like Prozac with a Viagra chaser. You're up and you're up!
- Oh, Roger. - Viagra!
[Chuckles] Hey, is there something that you need to tell us?
[Roger] Well...
Sharing! OK.
Jerry and I have been at couples counselling, for over a year.
And finally, I just couldn't take it anymore.
I howled, "You've became a gay Republican."
And he said, "What's wrong with that?"
I said, "That's like wanting to be gay with a bad haircut."
Exactly.
The counsellor suggested we move to the 'burbs.
- To find a balance. - We moved here as a last resort.
Court order. Don't ask.
[Joanna] OK. I know this is unthinkable,
but what if we could actually learn how to be happy?
Without Paxil, or compulsive over-eating.
What if we gave this whole thing a try?
For real. The whole Stepford thing.
[Indistinct chatter]
Whoo!
Hey, yeah!
Only one can survive.
[All chanting] Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Let's go, baby. Rip her bra off!
- Yeah! - [All cheering]
Zeus rules the universe!
And Ted owes Walter 20 big ones.
- Ah! To be a man! - Whoo!
- Ah. - [Mike] So, Walt.
You and Stepford. It seems like a real match.
I'll say. I mean, the town and the houses.
This place.
It's like a dream. It's like... the way life was meant to be.
And all of your wives. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. They're so... So, um...
Sweet?
Sizzlin'?
- Superfine. - [All chuckling]
Well...
We are all so thrilled to be here
at the Stepford Book Club, I can't tell you.
Now, I've just finished the third volume of Robert Caro's Life of Lyndon Johnson,
and I am dying for the next installment.
Well, that's all marvellous.
But today we are going to discuss...
Well, it is probably the most important book any of us will ever read.
Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring.
The Heritage Hill Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury
of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles.
[Gasping]
This book said to me, "Let's celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ
- "with yarn." - [Gasping] Yarn.
Now, Bobbie, we realise you're probably feeling a bit uncomfortable
with this week's book, because you're...
- What's the word I'm looking for? - New?
- Scared? - Cranky?
- Jewish. - Same thing.
But the Heritage Hill series is very inclusive.
In fact, there is a whole chapter about Chanukah.
I just loved the chapter on pine cones.
They're not just for wreaths and centrepieces.
You can use pine cones to create a very special Yuletide menorah.
Your pine cone snowman could be Jewish, just add a beanie.
Or maybe I could use hundreds of pine cones to spell out the words,
"Big Jew" in letters 15 feet tall in the snow on my front yard.
- That's a wonderful idea. - [All chuckling]
- That's fantastic. - [Woman] So sweet!
I love the idea of creating a life-size Santa Claus all out of pine cones.
OK, I love that.
I'm going to use a pine cone in my Nativity as the baby Jesus.
I'm going to attach a pine cone to my vibrator
and have a really Merry Christmas.
Oh.
# Here comes Santa Claus Right down Santa Clause Lane
# He's got a bag that's filled with toys For boys and girls again
# Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle Oh, what a beautiful sight
# So jump in bed, cover up your head Santa Claus comes tonight!
- # Santa Claus comes tonight # - [woman] Oh!
[Laughing]
- Joanna, how's she fitting in? - Well...
OK.
- I'm among friends, right? - Of course.
[Walter] So...
Joanna and I had this big talk.
And we were really open with each other, I mean...
We really got it all out.
And I think from now on,
she's going to be very, very different.
[Laughing quietly]
You think Joanna's really going to change?
Yes, I do. Absolutely.
And how long have you been married?
[All laughing]
- Ted. - Yes?
Don't you owe Walter $20?
That's absolutely right, I do.
Babe!
Yes, darling?
Walt, sit down.
I need 20.
- You know my PIN. - Of course.
[Beeping]
She gives singles.
[Gradual laughter]
- [Beep] - [Powering off]
- [Birds chirping] - [Bell rings]
[Joanna] Ah.
Are these all for day camp tomorrow?
- I want you to be proud of me, honey. - [Robot dog barking]
- [Peter] Watch this. - [Bell rings]
- Ball. - [Barks]
- Aren't robots cool? - Oh, yeah.
May I speak to the man of the house?
- Stud bud! - Funkmaster Markowitz!
- Stone Cold Thrilla Killa Kresbo! - Cupcakes anyone?
- Cupcakes! - Cupcakes. Right on time.
Jo, these are smokin'. Why don't you make stuff like this?
- Why don't you? - Because I have a penis.
- We should get moving. - We've got a meeting.
- At the Men's Association. - When will you be home, honey?
When I'm home.
Call a sitter!
- [Crickets chirping] - [Croaking]
[Joanna] Bobbie, are you sure about this?
[Bobbie] We're not spying. We're just visiting.
Fellas, I can't tell you how happy we are to welcome all of this new blood.
- [Man] You said it. - [Man #2] That's right.
[Roger] I love, love this space.
It's very Ralph Lauren meets Sherlock Holmes.
- It says, "I have taste and a scrotum." - You promised.
- Whore. - Bore.
- Sorry. - No, Jerry.
You're gonna find Stepford is very open-minded.
We welcome you and your partner just like any other couple.
- Absolutely. - Sure.
- That's right. - Girlfriend.
[Chuckling]
Miss... Miss Thing.
- To Stepford! - [All] Stepford!
[Indistinct chatter]
Damn! Come on, let's go.
You think this is all right, sneaking around?
Add it up.
All the women around here are perfect sex kitten bimbos.
All the men are drooling nerds. Doesn't that seem strange?
- Not to me. - Why not?
- I work in television. - Oh, come on.
I think Joanna's right. I think Stepford is the answer.
- She's a great gal. - Or she will be.
[Thumping]
- [Coughing] - [Straining]
[Bobbie] Come on, help me up.
- [Joanna] We shouldn't be here. - Oh, come on.
- Don't be such a chicken. - I should be home with my cupcakes.
Why? Because you only made 5,000 of them?
- We're trespassing. - Only if we get caught.
- Damn, I can't see a thing. - Oh.
- There's the light, there it is. - No, Bobbie...
It's like some alien freak show.
Why? They're just family portraits.
That's what I said.
[Footsteps approaching]
The lights!
- We should get out of here. - Sssh.
[Joanna panting]
- Should we run? - Sssh.
Oh, my God.
[Floor creaking]
- [Imitating Hannibal Lecter] Clarice? - [Whimpering]
- Hi, girls! - Roger!
- You scared us! - What are you doing?
What's going on?
Do they have hookers, or old Playboys or cable porn?
Oh, please, they barely have throw pillows.
They're coming! The menfolk.
- Call us. - OK.
[Mike] Rog?
What was it? Did you see anyone?
Not a soul. But what's back here, anyway?
In all of these rooms? Storage? Sweaters?
Bodies?
- Jerry. - You see that door on your left?
Check it out.
Oh, boy.
- I can't see anything, it's dark. - Use your flashlight.
I feel like Nancy Drew in The Mystery of the Mid-life Crisis.
- What am I looking for? - Look down.
[Laughs nervously]
Jerry?
Roger!
- Roger. - Bobbie.
Roger!
Roger said there was nothing going on at the Men's Association.
[Bobbie] Why doesn't he answer the phone? It's been two days.
Roger. Roger!
Isn't that his favourite shirt? The Dolce & Gabbana?
His Guccis. And the Versace.
- Maybe he's donating. - To what? The gay homeless?
He loved this.
His program from Hairspray.
- Oh, my God. - What is it?
Viggo!
[Band plays]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jerry Harmon.
I know I'm pretty new here, but already I feel so at home.
Why did Jerry ask us to meet him here?
...proud that I can introduce Stepford's brand new candidate for state senate.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. Roger Bannister!
What?
He's wonderful.
[Roger] Thank you. Thank you so much.
You may very well ask, what are my qualifications for higher office?
I believe in Stepford, America and the power of prayer.
Values I've discovered, thanks to my partner,
in life and in the Lord, Jerry Harmon.
Roger! Roger!
Yes, is there a question? Mrs. Markowitz.
- So you two are happy now? - More than ever.
Because now I know being gay doesn't mean a guy has to be effeminate
or flamboyant or sensitive.
- I'm no sissy. - No!
Way to go, Roger!
- Roger! - Yes, Mrs. Walter Kresby.
I don't understand. You were out there, you were Roger, and now...
You're different. Your hair, your clothes. You're like someone else.
- People change. - You can't stop Stepford!
You can't stop Stepford!
[Crowd chanting] You can't stop Stepford!
You can't stop Stepford!
That's why we have to leave Stepford? I'm not following.
OK. Before, Roger was witty, and stylish and ironic.
- And I'm sure he still is. - No!
Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit.
There's lots of ways to be gay. Don't try to make him into a stereotype.
Bobbie is right. And she's leaving too.
This place does something to people.
All of the women are always busy, and perfect and smiling.
- All the men are always happy. - And that's a problem because...?
Because it's not normal.
It's not the world. It's not us.
And I'm picking up our kids from camp right now
and we're getting out of here.
[Sighs]
With or without you.
- [Computer] Secure. - [Screams]
[Walter] You'll never change, will you?
Not really.
Open the door.
[Computer] Unlock front.
And you're right.
About what?
If you're that unhappy, then we should move.
Maybe head back to the city.
We could leave tomorrow.
Thank you.
[Dog whimpering]
Huh?
What you got there? Huh?
- [Walter] Sweetcakes? - [Gasps]
It's 4:00 am. What are you up to?
Just recipes for tomorrow. I'd like to get a head start.
- On what? - Apple pie. Bobbie recommended it.
I'll be right up.
Walter?
Babe?
Bobbie? Bobbie!
Oh, my God.
Bobbie?
Good morning, Joanna.
Isn't it a lovely morning?
That's a pretty colour.
- Mom! - Good morning, my precious ones.
And thank you for leaving your requests on my e-mail.
Adam, you wanted peanut butter and jelly, no crusts,
a Snickers bar and a Rolex.
Ben, here's a whole-wheat burrito, a soy protein shake
and three pieces of German chocolate layer cake.
- From scratch? - Of course.
And Max, you get bacon, lettuce and tomato on a lightly-toasted bagel.
- What about my action figures? - There's Mace Windu and Amidala.
- Where's Boba Fett? - They were out.
- Mom! - Here's $500.
All right.
Bye, Mom. Bye, Joanna.
They grow up so fast. I think I'll have three more.
Bobbie, listen to me. What have they done to you?
Is it drugs?
Is it brain-washing?
- Come on, talk to me. - Of course, but only for a minute.
Then I have to get to work on this pigsty.
- Coffee? - No. No coffee.
Bobbie, last night I went online.
I found out that all of the women here used to be big deals.
I mean, big deals. CEOs, executives, judges.
Sarah Sunderson, she used to run an airline.
With that perfect skin?
No! She didn't use to look like that. None of the women did...
- Coffee? - No! No coffee!
Bobbie. Bobbie.
- This isn't you. - That's right, Joanna.
This isn't me. It's a whole new me.
I'm happy and I'm healthy because I understand what's important in life.
Yes, your new book.
That's what's important. My new cookbook.
And my husband, and my family, and making a perfect home.
It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you.
I'm your friend, Joanna. I'm going to help you.
- You need me. - Stay away from me.
- You're driven. - Sometimes.
And you're selfish.
- You want to rule the world. - No.
I can fix you. I can change you.
What...
...have they done to you?
Let's get busy.
Answer the phone.
Hello. Is this the day camp? Oh.
Yes, this is Joanna Eberhart. I would like to speak to my children.
I'm coming to pick them up right now.
What?
Walter!
Walter, where are you?
I know you've got the kids.
Pete? Kimberly?
[Panting]
[Gasps]
[Thunder]
Oh, boys!
Welcome.
- Where are my children? - They're perfectly safe.
Where are my children?
- You'll see them soon. - Where's Walter?
How could you do this?
Ever since we met, you've beaten me at everything.
You're better educated,
you're stronger, you're faster,
you're a better dancer, a better tennis player.
You've always earned at least six figures more than I could ever dream of.
You're a better speaker, a better executive.
You're even better at sex. Don't deny it.
I wasn't going to.
- Well, don't I get anything? - You got me.
No, I got to hold your purse.
I got to tell the kids that you'd be late again.
I got to tell the press that you had no comment.
- I got to work for you. - With me.
Under you!
All of us. We married Wonder Women.
Supergirls. Amazon queens.
You know what that makes us?
Smart. Worthy. Lucky.
We're the wuss.
The wind beneath your wings. Your support system.
- We're the girl. - And we don't like it!
- You're damn right. - We're men.
And is this your answer? To kill us?
No, nothing like that. We help you. We perfect you.
By turning us into robots?
Does any fraction of these women still exist?
Of course. Almost everything.
- Should we show her? - Show me what?
It's a promotional thing I've been working on for when we go global.
Walt, I don't think you've seen this.
Some guys ask, "How do we do it?"
In layman's terms, it's really pretty simple.
Come on along.
First, we take a gloomy, dissatisfied woman.
Then in a very private experience between husband and wife,
he gently places her in our Female Improvement System.
It's fully automated.
And then, abracadabra,
her transformation begins.
First, we locate her brain.
We insert a few nano-chips.
Then we program them.
Also we add some secret special ingredients.
To avoid any accidents,
the husband is kept at a comfortable distance.
Safety first.
Finally, we enhance her
to fit the ideal Stepford wife specifications.
And...
...voilą!
Everything is copacetic!
Welcome to the future.
- [Dave] It's a painting again. - What?
I should explain. You see, my real name isn't Mike.
It's just a nickname from where I used to work.
Where?
- Microsoft. - NASA.
- Disney. - AOL.
- Is that why the women are so slow? - Joanna.
Is this what you really want?
Women who behave like slaves?
Women who are obsessed with cleaning their kitchens and doing their hair.
Women who never challenge you in any way.
Women who exist only to wait on you hand and foot.
- [Man] Yeah. - [Man #2] That's right.
You're a brilliant woman.
Surely you can appreciate, at the very least, the genius of the concept.
Picture it. If you could streamline your spouse,
if you could overhaul every annoying habit, every physical flaw,
every moment, the whining and nagging, the farting in bed.
Imagine if you could enjoy the person you love,
but only at their very best.
And the only reason for your anger,
your resentment, your rage, is really very simple.
You're furious because we thought of it first.
While you were trying to become men, we decided to become gods.
Let me ask you something. These machines, these Stepford wives,
can they say, "I love you"?
- Mike? - Of course.
In 58 languages.
But do they mean it?
Enjoy.
[Gasping, heavy breathing]
[Mike] Walter.
Walt...
Joanna, right here.
- Sarah. - Claire.
- Marianne. - Charmaine.
- Roger. - Roberta.
[Indistinct chatter]
Mike!
[Chanting] Mike! Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!
Good evening, everyone.
What a delight to see all of our wonderful wives
and their happy, happy husbands.
Tonight is truly the highlight of our year,
because tonight we honour our very newest citizens of Stepford.
In my opinion, the cream of the crop,
a couple that proudly proclaims Stepford
the American way of love.
[All] Aw...
Now...
I'd like to ask my wonderful woman, my lovely wife,
my bride, my best friend,
to join me in a glorious midsummer night's waltz.
- Is everything perfect? - Everything.
Mike...
Darling.
- My pleasure. - It's an honour.
- Champagne? - Allow me.
[Alarm sounds]
[Computer] Doors activate. Welcome, Member 1-9-5-6.
Kresby, Walter.
Entering secure area.
Warning.
Initiating.
So, Joanna, are you enjoying Stepford?
Oh, yes. The town is so splendid.
Everyone is so kind.
And then, of course, there's you.
Me?
It's simple really. Honey!
- Grab me another scotch. - Right away, dear.
[Computer] Begin nano-reversal.
Begin nano-reversal.
Nano-reversal completed.
Ah!
[Computer] Deleting Stepford program.
Ah!
[Power shutting down]
[Computer] File corrupted. Deleting vacuuming function.
- Honey? - Oh, Herbert.
[Computer] Nano-reversal... Original personality...
Deleting Stepford wives program.
What is this?
What am I wearing?
[Frantic chatter]
[Sobbing] Mike! Mike! There's something...
...unspeakable going on in the ballroom!
You have to come right now! It's an apocalypse!
What did you do to us?
[All] Mike! Mike!
Men! Control your wives!
Control your wives!
- [Beeping] - It's not working!
This is not Stepford!
Mike!
What's happening?
I was in the garden and I was dreaming of your smile and your aftershave.
Then I realised...
I can do better.
[Sighs]
- Walt. - She's not a robot.
- [Man] What? - [Man #2] She's not a robot?
She never was.
I couldn't do it.
- Why not? - Because she's not a science project.
Because I didn't marry something from RadioShack.
- That's a shame. - No.
That's a man.
- I thought you were ready! - [Men] Yeah.
I thought you were ready! I thought I knew you!
- You're a disgrace! - [Men] Yeah, you tell him!
To everything this town stands for.
- To the future. - That's right!
You're gonna have to pay for that!
Don't you touch him!
No!
He's a Stepford husband?
[Crying] An angel.
Now he's just...
...spare parts, thanks to you!
What are you? Are you a person or a machine?
I'm a lady.
- A real lady? - Every inch.
Wait. A real, real lady? Are you a human being?
Yes. And I may very well be the only decent human being left.
- In Stepford? - In the world!
She's fabulous.
All of this, Mike, the wives, Stepford. This was all your idea?
Yes. All I wanted was a better world.
A world where men were men, and women were cherished and lovely.
Does anyone have a screwdriver?
She's nuts.
A world of romance and beauty.
Of tuxedos and chiffon. A perfect world.
- But you were married to a robot. - The perfect man.
And all I wanted was to make you, all of you
into perfect women.
But we don't need to be perfect. How could you do this to us?
Because I was just like you.
Over-stressed, over-booked, under-loved.
I was the world's foremost brain surgeon and genetic engineer.
I had top secret contracts with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel.
I was driven, exhausted.
Until late one night I came home to find...
Mike...
...with Patricia.
My brilliant,
blonde,
21 -year-old research assistant.
It was all so...
...ugly.
Then early the next morning, as I gazed across the breakfast table
at their lifeless bodies, I thought,
"What have I done?"
But more importantly,
"what could I do to make the world more beautiful?"
I had the skills.
But I needed help to realise my larger vision.
And so I made...
...Mike.
Because he was someone other men would listen to.
And then I asked myself,
"Where would people never notice a town full of robots?"
Connecticut.
So I decided to turn back the clock.
To a time before overtime.
Before quality time.
Before women were turning themselves into robots.
- Back off! - Sorry.
But why didn't you change the men, too?
That's next.
You're insane.
I'm in love with a waltz and a town.
And a man.
[Explosive charge]
[All gasping]
[Larry King] Joanna, you produced the documentary...
Stepford: The Secret of the Suburbs. And won... five Emmys, was it?
Six.
- She's shy. - And so humble.
And, Bobbie, your ordeal has led to a bestseller.
I just can't hold a grudge, so I've written my first book of poetry.
It's all about hope and communication and the healing power of love.
What is it called?
Wait Until He's Asleep, Then Cut It Off.
- It's a page-turner. - I cried.
Now, Roger, good news.
You ran and won. You're in the State Senate.
- Independent. - Next stop, the White House.
- This country needs highlights. - Our hero.
Jo, Walter really came through for you. So how's your marriage now?
Is everything just... perfect?
No way. But we're doing just great.
Because now we know for sure it's not about perfection.
"Perfect." Perfect doesn't work.
[Larry] What about the other husbands? Are they angry?
Do they still want all these women to be robots?
Of course. Men are pigs. They're disgusting.
They're frightened, little rodents.
- We're trying to help. - Right.
[Clears throat] We're trying to re-educate them.
- And where are they? - Oh, they're still in Stepford.
Under house-arrest.
Hey, you guys. Which aisle is quilted paper towels?
If I don't get the right kind, my wife'll kill me.
Aisle three.
[Woman on speaker] No talking! Keep shopping!